He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end (Revelation 22:13 ESV). He is All and in all (Colossians 3:11). He is the way, the truth, life and the only way to the Father (John 14:6). He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6), King of kings and Lord of lords (1 Timothy 6:15). He is the great I AM (Exodus 3:14, John 8:58). You can’t be 1st when you’re the only one playing the game. No(thing)(one) comes anywhere close to God because He created everything. It is not even a competition and I don’t want to make him compete with anything in my life when he can be my all in all.
I used to think that God came 1st, then my wife, then our son and then everything else. I now see it more as He is the foundation and our marriage is the house and our son gets to live in and take shelter in the house. It is not a ranking system. The house does not serve the same purpose as a foundation and they are not competing. The house needs the foundation. A paint bucket needs a house. This started to settle in my heart, instead of just my head, when I was driving home after work full of stressful thoughts: I have to make my wife happy and give her a break, I have to spend time with my son so that he doesn’t feel like I wasn’t around and I have to do my share of the chores in the house and outside. I then spent some time planning and prioritizing all of these items. I was ranking them. I knew, however, that if I am stressing out then it is usually a good indicator that I am probably looking at the waves more than I am Jesus. So I started praying (like I probably should have been doing instead of stressing) and I started wrestling with an idea. I spoke it out loud and it definitely did not sound right but the peace that came along by just saying it was undeniable, “God, I don’t want to make my wife happy and I don’t want a peaceful marriage and I don’t want to worry about convincing my son that he is loved. I just want You.” It felt like a tremendous weight was lifted off of my heart and mind.
I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I apparently like to pretend to be God. I have a ridiculous tendency to try to do what only God can do: be the source of other’s happiness, be everything that they need and ENSURE that MY to-do list gets done. I have little to no control over any of these areas. I, however, can control whether or not I pick up what is generously made available to me by my loving Father. God is always ready to take away the stress of the world that I never should have tried to bear. God is always ready to love me and give me exactly what I need, whether I know what it is or not. So, enjoying God’s love in its fullness and loving others out of His love is not even comparable to what I am capable of on my own. I do not want to divide my love between God and my family and work and everything else. I want to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul and strength and then love others with His love. I want to give God the worst of me so that I can give others the best of Him. I know that I am a lot more fun to be around when I have nothing left of my self to give and all I can love others with is His love. First, I must trade the love that I have for God’s love; and I believe that I can only do this by giving God my imperfect love. So why wouldn’t I want to love the Lord with all of my (undivided) heart?